Crazy
by blacksand1
Summary: mundane AU; "He wants a crazy ex-girlfriend? I'll give him a crazy ex-girlfriend!" broken up Nnoitra/Neliel, background Grimmjow/Orihime, rated for harsh language and violence towards automobiles, among other things


There were times when Halibel regretted her reputation as the friend you could turn to when you needed someone to lend an ear. It wasn't _false_, not at all. She was an excellent listener, and when she couldn't provide advice, she could definitely provide some water or a pat on the back.

"I can't _believe _him!" Halibel winced, shocked out of her thoughts. No, Tia Halibel didn't mind hearing people's problems. What she _did _mind was when her friends decided that _shouting _their problems was the best way to vent them to her. She was _right there_, sitting on the couch five feet away. There was no need to yell.

She turned her eyes back to Neliel as the green-haired woman stomped back and forth across the length of Halibel's living room. Despite her distaste for her friend's volume, she could definitely understand it. To say Neliel was absolutely livid was an understatement.

Neliel stopped her pacing to yank on fistfuls of her hair, shouting, "Three years! I put up with his shit for _three years_! I put up with him treating me like shit for three years and then _he _breaks up with _me _and plays the victim! Never mind that he fucking _hit me _before, I'm the one who's been taking advantage of _him_!"

Neliel turned to Halibel; "Doesn't that just make you want to _scream_?!"

The blonde woman just shrugged; "Well, it's like you said. He was treating you like crap. You should be happy that he's gone, no matter how it went down."

Neliel shook her head, scowling over at her; "First of all, he kicked me out of his place without warning. I wanted to break it off so I could have time to arrange where I'd stay and get my stuff ready in advance."

Halibel's eyes flickered over to the two garbage bags full of Neliel's things sitting beside her couch; she briefly recalled the green-haired woman's dynamic entrance an hour ago. The most warning Halibel had gotten was a knock on her door before Neliel came storming in, alternating between yelling her story and begging Halibel to let her stay for a while. It's not like Halibel would've turned her away, but Neliel had her cell phone- she could have at _least _called, like a civilized human being.

"And _second_," Neliel continued, "Where does he get off, saying _he's _the poor, poor pitiful victim?! And he's just gonna go around, telling _everyone _that I'm his crazy ex and he had to get rid of me because _I _was taking advantage of _him_ and treating _him _like shit!"

Halibel arched a brow; "Do you _really _think anyone's going to believe him?"

Nelie frowned, blowing some hair out of her face, and muttered, "Of course they will. Who doesn't love a good 'crazy ex-girlfriend' story?"

Halibel grimaced, fighting back flashbacks to her last breakup and the stories of how she'd just "gone crazy" that had floated around her social circles. It had taken all of her self control not to take her shot gun and make Aizen's stories of her threatening to kill him come true.

"Well if he wants to call me crazy," Neliel sneered, crossing her arms over her chest, "Then he's gonna fucking get crazy. I'm getting payback. He's not getting out of this without some scars, oh-ho-HO no."

Halibel arched her other brow; "So you're going to get back at him for calling you crazy by proving him right."

"It's not _just _about that," Neliel snapped. "He's an asshole, and he treated me like shit, alright?! I was gonna break up with him and emasculate him, but now I've gotta take desperate measures. I need closure. Violent, bloody closure."

Halibel's eyes shot open wide; "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not start thinking _too _illegal here, Nel."

Neliel glared at her for a moment before her shoulders sank and she sighed, "You're right. Anything that's really worth doing would land me in jail." Neliel dragged herself over to flop on the couch beside her friend, sinking into the cushions.

"Now now, Nel," Halibel said with a smirk, "I wouldn't rule out illegality just yet."

The green-haired woman's beige eyes went wide; "… Tia, I thought you _weren't _one of my criminal friends."

"No, no, listen to me," the blonde continued, "Nnoitra lives in a shitty neighborhood, right? Anything that doesn't result in him getting grievously injured probably won't get the police's attention _or _get anyone around him worried enough to call the cops." Neliel sat up just a bit straighter, slowly nodding as Halibel's words sunk in.

"And, we all know the kind of crap Nnoitra does. If he called the cops, he'd get busted for possession so fast his head would spin. That's just the beginning of the shit he'd get arrested for," Halibel continued. "_And _we all know about his 'fuck the police' tattoo."

"I can't believe I thought that was hot once upon a time," Neliel murmured, a far-off look in her eyes. Halibel took a brief moment to lament her friend's taste in men as of three years ago.

"So, the point is that as long as we don't kill him or injure him, everything's on the table as far as revenge is concerned," Halibel finished, smiling devilishly at Neliel.

Neliel blinked a few times; "So wait. Does that mean you're in?"

"Nel, you're talking about getting revenge on Nnoitra Gilga," Halibel laughed. "I was in the minute you met him."

Neliel wrapped Halibel in a bear hug tight enough that Halibel could hear something in her back pop. She hugged her friend in return regardless.

"I knew I could count on you," Neliel said with a grin.

* * *

Grimmjow scowled deep and looked down to where Ulquiorra sat on the floor as he growled, "I _really _don't see why you need me here."

Ulquiorra blew a plume of smoke out of his mouth and into the dank air of Nnoitra's apartment before looking over at his blue-haired acquaintance with a barely-raised eyebrow; "Well first of all, I need someone who's actually tolerable to take the edge off of Nnoitra."

"I heard that," the tall man in question shouted from several feet away. The two of them ignored him with practiced ease.

"Second of all," Ulquiorra continued, pausing just a bit to take a drag from the joint in his hand, "It's not like you have anything better to do."

Grimmjow grinned, though it was more accurate to say he was showing his teeth than really 'grinning'; "Actually, I _do_."

Tesla looked up from his phone with a quirked eyebrow; "Really? That's a first. What is it?"

"This is going to be good," Nnoitra snorted, leaning into his couch and watching the smoke drift from Ulquiorra's joint to the ceiling.

Grimmjow snorted and answered, "Well, as two of you would know and one of you is too much of a deadbeat to know, second semester is starting up next week. Everyone who left for the holidays is back in town. Everyone _includes _Orihime."

Nnoitra let out his scratchy, hissing laugh; "Oh _right_, I forgot that you're a pussy-whipped bitch! Let me guess, she's gonna have you watching The Notebook or some shit until Monday. And then you're gonna sit around talking about your feelings when that gets boring."

Nnoitra was in the middle of a hit from his bong when Grimmjow grinned even wider and replied, "Oh no, we discussed it, and we agreed that I'm gonna spend the next few days fucking her so hard that we leave an Orihime-shaped dent in the mattress."

Ulquiorra nearly swallowed his joint, while Nnoitra was busy hacking up bong water. Nobody could tell how he managed to swallow it, but nobody was complaining.

"I didn't know she even knew what sex _was_," Tesla marveled.

Grimmjow leaned back against the wall with a satisfied smirk; "She's not as innocent as she looks. Girl is a _freak_. And she can rap along to Busta Rhymes without tripping all over herself, always a plus."

"She's a keeper," Ulquiorra commented.

"Doesn't sound like anything but a bitch," Nnoitra shot back.

Grimmjow narrowed his eyes and hissed, "You better get straight into your 'all women are terrible' shtick and leave Orihime by the wayside, Gilga, before I break your nose."

"He's not worth it, Grimmjow," Ulquiorra stated, eyes flickering up to Grimmjow with a sharp look. Grimmjow just scoffed, shrugging the pale man's words off. He was a man of principles, his two most important ones being "repay your debts" and "if anyone talks shit about your girl, kill them". A man with no principles was nothing more than a beast… or Nnoitra. Nnoitra was in a class of his own.

Nnoitra grinned his grin full of too-straight teeth over Grimmjow's way; "Why I'd be _happy _to! Hmm, where to start? How about with the classic proverb of 'bitches be crazy'?"

"That could be the title of your autobiograpy, Nnoitra," Tesla commented, "What with the whole Nel thing."

Nnoitra snorted, grinning even wider; "Ain't that the damn truth, man."

Ulquiorra quirked an eyebrow; "Tesla, I thought you liked Nel."

Tesla shrugged a hapless shrug; "Well yeah, I do. I think she's alright-"

"She's a _slut_," Nnoitra cut in.

"But yeah, she is a slut," the blonde finished.

Grimmjow quirked an eyebrow; "Wow, what the hell, Tesla?"

"I don't know, agreeing with him is just reflex!" Tesla exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

Ulquiorra knit his brows together in thought; "But _you _were the one sleeping with other women during your relationship with her, Nnoitra. Calling her a slut is just factually inaccurate."

Grimmjow leaned down and muttered to Ulquiorra, "It doesn't matter to him if it's not technically right. If it's a derogatory word for a girl, then it's right."

"Doesn't change that she fuckin' went insane around the end there," Nnoitra interjected.

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes by a fraction; "Given how poorly you treated her and the fact that you actually _hit _her, I'm surprised _you_ broke it off with _her_. I assumed she'd leave you."

"I made _sure _she wouldn't," Nnoitra sneered, "I could see she was gonna, but like _hell _would I let her have the satisfaction. And besides, it's my house. _I'm _the only one doing any kickin' out around here."

"Like she'd _want _to keep this shit-hole," Grimmjow snorted with a grin. "Nel's too much of a badass to just let this lie. She'll be paying you back for this any day now."

Ulquiorra nodded; "It's only a matter of time."

Nnoitra shot him a glare; "Smoke your damn weed."

Grimmjow raised an eyebrow and mentioned, "I've been meanin' to ask, why _do _you smoke that stuff, dude? I mean, I have _never _seen you really get high or anything. You just stay a fuckin' blank like always. What's the point?"

Ulquiorra just closed his eyes and released another plume of smoke from his mouth; "Maybe I'll tell you one day, Grimmjow. But not today."

The blue-haired man rolled his eyes, leaning back against the wall with a small scoff. The room was only silent for a few minutes before they heard a loud crashing sound from outside. Tesla flinched and Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow, but nobody really noticed. It was just a normal day on Nnoitra's street.

The crashing continued for a minute or so more, and there was some quiet for a brief moment more before a loud _bang _broke the silence. _This _turned everyone's heads. As common as gun violence was in the area, the sound of gunshots would always get people's attention. There was another bang, then another, then three more in quick succession. With the sound of squealing tires, the commotion was over.

After a minute or two, Grimmjow pushed off the wall and muttered, "I'm gonna go see if it was anything good. And get some fucking fresh air, this place smells fucking terrible."

"Nobody likes a rubbernecker, Grimmjow," Nnoitra remarked, grinning at Grimmjow's back. The blue-haired man just flipped Nnoitra the bird over his shoulder before going out the door and slamming it behind him. Through the door, the three men could hear Grimmjow's slightly muffled "Holy _shit_!" and some slightly manic laughter before Grimmjow opened the door again, doubled over laughing.

"Oh Nnoitra, dude," Grimmjow wheezed, struggling to stand up straight, "Your day just got a _whole _lot shittier."

Nnoitra quirked an eyebrow, looking over to Tesla (who could only offer a shrug) before getting up and storming past Grimmjow up to the railing. Tesla and Ulquiorra were soon out there after him, though Ulquiorra paused to watch Grimmjow use the door frame to keep him from falling over. Nnoitra surveyed the parking lot for a moment, on the look out for his car.

It took him a while to find it, because on a good day his car was a slightly banged up tan station wagon. Today, it was something else all together. Nnoitra's eyes finally settled on his car, and when they did he nearly vaulted over the railing. There were long, deep dents all over his car, and all the windows had been smashed in. The roof had completely caved in, while the hood was hanging on by one hinge. His tires had all been slashed- except for the front-right tire, which was just _gone_. The body was littered with tiny holes; judging from the shots they'd heard, the poor thing had probably been hit by a shotgun. Gasoline was pouring onto the ground and running down the street.

Nnoitra just stared at his car with his jaw on the floor, while Ulquiorra put a hand to his chin and remarked, "I don't think your car stood a chance, Nnoitra. It's safe to say that the poor thing is dead."

Nnoitra managed to utter a weak "Who…?" before he went back to gaping at the damage.

A car came up the street and rolled to a casual stop in front of the parking lot; it was a big black SUV with no license plates and tinted windows. The passenger window slowly rolled down, and a head draped in green hair leaned out the window.

"Well _dang_, Nnoitra," Neliel called from the car, "What happened to your car? Looks like it got hit by an aluminum baseball bat several dozen times, had its tires slashed and stolen, then got shot to crap by a sawed-off shotgun!"

Nnoitra's fingers clamped down on the railing, his knuckles turning white, and he hissed through gritted teeth, "_You_-!"

Neliel didn't reply with words. Instead she just reached down and pulled out an aluminum baseball bat, waggling it in Nnoitra's direction while she continued to grin.

Nnoitra's rage broke; "You fucking _whore!_"

"It's what you _get_ for fucking with me, asshole!" Neliel shouted back up at him.

Nnoitra was bright red now; "Eat a dick, cunt!"

Neliel snorted; "Blow me, dickhole!" With that, Halibel hit the gas and sent them slowly rolling up the street. Neliel flipped Nnoitra the bird as he kept shouting expletives her way.

"That was fucking _badass_, Nel!" Grimmjow shouted, raising his fist in the air. Neliel fist-pumped in solidarity, and in the car she exchanged a high-five with Halibel.

"I'm gonna fucking kill her," Nnoitra hissed, shaking all over in barely repressed rage. Tesla took a wise step backwards. Ulquiorra let himself smile for the first time in a month.

'Fuck Tha Police' rang out from Grimmjow's phone, and he picked it up while trying not to collapse into laughter; "Hey Orihime, baby, you called just in time. You won't fucking _believe _what just happened…"

A few yards down the street, Halibel floored it and Neliel leaned back into the passenger's seat with a grin.

"You know, _someone's _bound to call the police, right? I mean we _did _shoot the hell out of his car," Halibel mentioned. "I mean, one way or another this is gonna come back to bite us, Nel."

The green-haired girl just grinned; "Yeah. But it was worth it."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** I was going to leave it at just Neliel beating the crap out of Nnoitra's car with a baseball bat, but then I thought, that's just not satisfying enough. No, what's satisfying is shooting the fuck out of his car with a shotgun AFTER beating the crap out of it with a bat.

Also, in regards to some of Grimmjow's lines near the middle, I'll add a bit of clarification to this mundane AU; Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Tesla, and Orihime are all college students in this AU. Nel and Halibel have already graduated, while Nnoitra is a general dropout and degenerate who probably never finished high school.


End file.
